Invader Stu: How to queue like a Dutchman
As a stereotypical Englishman I have a particular (and some would say unhealthy) interest in queuing. Most English people do. It is a natural instinct for us to wait in lines.
We might complain about the amount of time it takes to reach the front of the line once we are in it but this is just all part of the tradition. We like the queue. We don’t like the waiting. We like the sense of order, of rules, the idea that even if we have to wait an annoyingly long time at least there is a system.
Queuing culture clash
This is why (as an Englishman) it has taken some time to get used to queuing in Holland (to put it mildly). In Holland queuing is an extreme sport. There are no rules, only survivors.
The most extreme cases of this can be observed when attempting to board a busy train in Holland. This is something that I have to do daily so I have had a lot of time to analyse it scientifically and take notes. There are several steps to what can be loosely termed "queuing for the train" in Holland:
Step 1: The cluster
Preparations begin the moment the train is spotted in the distance. The Dutch start moving towards the edge of the platform, trying to predict the best place to stand in the hope that they will end up near a door once the train has stopped. This causes small clusters of people to form around the predicted door locations.
However, since they never get it right, these small clusters end up shuffling along the platform with the slowing train as they try to keep up with their chosen door. This often causes them to walk backwards into other people, swallowing them up into their group.
Step 2: The gap
Once the train has come to a full stop, the cluster of people (that have gathered around each entrance) will reform slightly to create a narrow gap leading away from the door.
This gap is for the people exiting the train, however it is more of a gesture than a practical exit route. It is kept as narrow as possible just in case anyone at the back of the cluster tries to use it to gain ground.
Step 3: Hold the line
As passengers exit the train the people on the outer edges of the cluster already start to get restless.
They shuffle and move around, trying to see how much longer they have to wait and if there is any weakness in the group that they can exploit. Always be on your guard.
Step 4: The collapse
As the last person exits the train the cluster of eager Dutch people will immediately collapse in on itself as everyone tries to rush forward through the doors at once.
Arms, elbows, bags, large suitcases, hot cups of tea or coffee and body mass are all legitimate strategies to keep people back and gain ground on others. A battle cry is optional.
If passengers are too slow getting off the train before this happens they are doomed. They will be swept back up onto the train by the unstoppable current of oncoming passengers and find themselves at the next station before they realise what has happened.
Survival of the fittest
If you survive and are able to board the train you are one of the lucky ones. Many people have not been so lucky. Dutch queues take no prisoners and should not be taken lightly...
Of course, if you have made it on to the train there is still one challenge that awaits you; The race to find a seat.