Men in the mirror: How confidence impacts sexuality and relationships

As a man, are you experiencing difficulties and challenges in your relationships and sexuality? Welcome to the club! Relationships and sexuality can be difficult mirrors to look into because they reflect our deepest insecurities and painful experiences, largely shaped by our level of confidence - the needle on the scale, as it were.

It is crucial, then, to take the time to explore the main confidence issues men face and their root causes, even though the topic is delicate and requires vulnerability.

What is your confidence level?

If you lean toward a chronic lack of self-esteem and feel “less than a man”, you probably often feel anxious, ashamed, or closed off. You might find it difficult to form relationships, and if you do, you fear losing them. You may experience sexual impotence and turn to pills, pornography or even sex workers.

On the other hand, if you lean toward having too much confidence and feeling “cocky”, you might chase multiple partners, struggle with meaningful relationships and be prone to infidelity. You might also struggle with sex addiction, competitiveness and the need to overachieve. 

Most men don’t live at the extremes of low or high confidence, but the closer you lean toward one side, the more visible the effects in your relationships and sexuality.

What causes self-esteem issues in men?

In both cases, men suffer from the same root problem: a psychological and emotional wound from childhood, which we can call the “father-wound”.

This wound stems from growing up with a father who was physically or emotionally absent, abusive, aggressive, or critical, or sometimes a combination of these things.

How boys copy their fathers

Sons develop their confidence mainly from how deeply they can truly bond with their fathers. Furthermore, their capacity to relate to women comes from seeing how their fathers behave with their mothers. They absorb their father’s way of being and build an image of what it means to be a man.

This image then lays the foundation for some of their most important patterns in life: how they think and feel about themselves and women; how they relate to both men and women; how they perform at work; and how they treat themselves and their bodies.

Growing up with an aggressive father

When a father is aggressive, verbally and/or physically violent, and critical, the son feels overwhelmed by him. As a result, the boy may retreat inwardly, seeking safety in the nurturing world of his mother. This can lead to the development of a fearful personality, a tendency to withdraw mentally, and potential sexual issues.

Alternatively, he might reject the female side of the world within himself. His sensitivity and feelings are experienced as weak and dangerous, and he identifies with the excessive father. This type of father has failed to fulfil the role of a balanced, safe and loving presence. This creates a hole in the son's psyche, leaving him without an inner, healthy compass: he feels lost.

Growing up with an absent father

On the other hand, we see a father who may be physically absent, perhaps because he works a lot or has left the family. He might be emotionally absent because he is closed off, unaffectionate or disempowered.

This type of father might cause his son to remain in the embrace of the mother's female world for too long, which could cause feelings of loneliness, fear and a neediness for connection with women for safety, or, alternatively, cold detachment from them.

The painful absence of this type of father weighs down on the son, and makes him feel deeply insecure about himself: he feels stuck.

When fathers fear their sons

Both aggressive and absent fathers often feel threatened by their sons’ emotional needs and vitality, as they expose their weaknesses. A father who hides his vulnerability behind aggression tends to suppress his child’s energy and makes him feel he is never “enough”, condemning him to seek validation throughout life.

An absent father who hides behind isolation, passivity, or passive-aggression toward both his son and wife could cause the boy to then take on the impossible task of filling this gap by becoming his mother’s emotional support: the family “glue”, which fosters deep anxiety and a fear of abandonment.

When fathers fail to connect

From around the age of two, boys gradually begin to detach from their mothers, exploring their boundaries and connecting with their environment. The role of a father is essential in making his son feel safe and loved while discovering his individuality. If this delicate transition into autonomy in connection with his father fails or partially fails, it leaves the son literally in a “no-man’s land”.

He may seek refuge in the world of the mother, and, due to the lack of his father's presence, feel unable to build full confidence and trust in himself and his capacities. Over time, he may begin to see his father only through his mother's perspective, possibly absorbing any negative feelings she may have toward men and, whether consciously or unconsciously, developing a sense of guilt and shame about his own gender.

How parents shape their sons’ sexuality

One crucial aspect of boys' development is the experience of intimacy and physicality with their father and mother: being held by them, playing together and expressing emotions and feelings. This physical connection is also important when the child becomes aware of his genitals around three or four years old, which marks a crucial stage of his sexual development.

Through natural curiosity, he starts to explore his body and seeks interaction with his father. He needs to feel accepted in order to internalise the imprint in his body: “My father and I are the same - I am a boy like him.”

He expresses love, tenderness and excitement toward his mother and needs to feel welcomed by the first woman in his life. At this stage, by being accepted by her, he feels secure in his maleness and internalises the imprint: “I am liked and accepted as a male by my mother.” This grounds him and later enables him to approach women with confidence, integrating both love and sexuality in intimacy.

Men healing men

If you recognise some of the patterns described here, working with a therapist who has experience with this topic can help you understand and heal the father wound. Working with a male therapist specifically can be helpful, as healing these wounds can require a man-to-man connection.

Joining men’s support groups can also provide a safe space to open up, receive support, and rebuild trust in male relationships. Addressing the father wound allows you to release pain, fear, shame, and excessive anger, helping you find balance within yourself and with others.

Take the plunge and dive deep into yourself!

Futher reading about this topic: 
Absent fathers, lost sons: the search for masculine identity by Guy Corneau
Fear of Life: the wisdom of failure by Alexander Lowen
Wegen naar seksuele waardigheid: Stappen door de psychoseksuele ontwikkeling by Maya Schrier-Kerstan