Why is it important to set boundaries? Many times, when it comes to stress, anxiety, burnout and other mental health challenges, we are told we need to change our habits and routines in order to reach inner peace again. For example, we may work too much, or we may watch too much Netflix (and therefore sleep too little), or we may give too much of our (free) time to family and friends and keep almost none for ourselves.
But, how do we change all of these habits when they have become part of our personality, part of the relationship that people have created with us, part of our comfort zone? Boundaries. The word that will save the day. The word that will help us create our action plan towards more mental rest.
Boundaries are a clear indication of what is our responsibility and what is others’; what makes us happy or calm and what makes others; what is helping us and what is helping others. Boundary setting is not a selfish act, but rather an act of self-love, and at the same time an act of respect to others and our relationship with them. Boundaries are not strict rules that control others or keep them away - we can set boundaries and still be kind.
Why do we need boundaries? We need them so:
One categorisation of boundaries is concerning how “tight” or “loose” they are.
We don't ask for help, we keep our distance in order to avoid getting rejected, we avoid sharing information about our life, we have few close relationships.
We overshare information about our private life, we have difficulty saying no, we get too involved in others’ problems, we tolerate disrespect or even abuse, we depend on other people’s opinion.
We value other people’s opinion, but the most important one is our own, we don’t compromise our values for other people, we share information about our personal life in an appropriate and balanced way and only when we think that there is enough trust and safety in the relationship, we accept when others say no, we know what we need and want and we communicate it in a respectful way.
Another categorisation of boundaries is regarding the area that they concern: physical, emotional, time, sexual, intellectual and material.
Physical boundaries include our needs for personal space, our comfort with touch, and our physical needs to eat, drink and rest. These boundaries are crossed if someone doesn’t allow us (or we don't allow ourselves) - intentionally or unintentionally - to rest or satisfy our hunger or thirst (eg. no lunch break) or when someone doesn’t respect our personal space and our body.
Emotional boundaries exist when people respect our feelings and energy. When we/others know when and how to share their feelings. Those boundaries are violated when we are criticised for what we are feeling or when we are being asked questions that make us feel uncomfortable or when we feel we need to hide our needs and our feelings because there is no room for them.
Time boundaries are about understanding what is important and what is not; it’s about setting priorities. These boundaries are crossed when people demand time from you, when they ask you to work without getting paid, when they show up late to a meeting.
Sexual boundaries are about consent, respect and privacy. These boundaries are violated when there is unwanted touch, when we are pressured to engage in sexual acts, when we are being lied to about health history and contraceptive use.
Intellectual boundaries are about respect for our and others’ opinion and about the time and energy we spend on communication. These boundaries are crossed when people force us to accept or act upon their opinion, also in cases of racism, sexism, homophobia, etc.
Material boundaries refer to our possessions and property, how we share them and how much we allow others to use them. These boundaries are crossed when people are using our possessions without our permission or to manipulate and control our relationship.
In order to protect ourselves, we need to set the boundaries we mostly need. So first, we need to identify these boundaries. Pay attention to the situations when you are low in energy or want to cry or feel frustrated.
Here are a few ideas of what you might need in order to get less involved in stressful situations and be more at peace:
Especially when it’s something new we introduce in our relationships with others. No one likes changes in the beginning and people always try to push back when it comes to boundaries. However, when you get the hang of it and you start practising it with firmness and consistency, your life will become less overwhelming and more peaceful.
What boundaries do you need most at the present moment?