Invader Stu: A poem about the Netherlands

An Ode to Holland

Holland is a country without mountain, hill or bevel.
That’s quite alarming if you consider we're all below sea level.

The terrain is large, flat and rather featureless you see,
that’s what happens when most of it is reclaimed from the sea.

But never underestimate its importance in the euro zone.
After all it’s where the most beutiful tulips are grown.

Oh… and calling it Holland can make the locals quite stressed.
It’s the Netherlands, not just that province to the West.

Tourists often come for a weekend full of booze.
But leave with a pair of souvenir wooden shoes.

The drugs here are legal and can provide a lot of thrills.
But is there really anything better than visiting one of the many windmills?

During the winter the climate can be cold and rather freezing.
But the Dutch, they do not mind. They find this rather pleasing.

In fact, the Dutch spend the whole summer waiting.
For the winter, Elfstedentocht, and a chance of ice skating.

I like living in Holland. I think it is very pleasant and rather nice.
Even considering Amsterdam is overrun and controlled by mice.

But never forget that the country is completely flat.
And if the dikes ever break, we’ll all get een beetje nat!


Invader Stu is an accident prone Englishman who has been suffering from Dutch culture shock for the last ten years. Enjoy his stories, more of which can be found on Invading Holland.

Stuart B


Stuart B

An accident prone Englishman living in Holland since 2001. Still not great with the language but finds stampot lekker.

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