Invader Stu: Dealing with tourists seeking coffeeshops

Today’s lesson: How to deal with tourists in Amsterdam who have asked you for directions to a coffeeshop with the intention of purchasing and inhaling marijuana.

 Step 1: Pretend to be in deep thought for a moment.

You don’t actually need to think about the question you have been asked, you only need to appear as if you are.

To aid you achieving the correct look you may wish to use this opportunity to think about what you would like to eat for dinner or what kind of gift you should buy for a loved one.

 Step 2: Choose a random direction.

Any direction will do fine but it must be random. You may wish to use a randomizing technique such as "eeny, meeny, miny, moe."

If you decide to do so you must insure that you do not say it out loud. It is important that your tourist does not hear the selection process or know that it is random.

 Step 3: Point in the random direction you have chosen.

The arm should be raised and the finger extended to indicate the direction.

 Step 4: Repeat the following:

"Yeah. There is a really good coffeeshop just a short walk that way. You can’t miss it, mate."

Be sure to say this clearly and with confidence so that it is believable. Why not practice saying it now in the mirror?

 Step 5: Bid fair well to your tourist and wish him a pleasant stay in Amsterdam.

Congratulations! You have just dealt with your tourist. You can now go about your day confident in the fact that they will soon find the coffeeshop they desire.

After all, you are in Amsterdam and there is always a coffeeshop within two minutes walk of any direction. Just because you don’t know it is there does not mean it is not there.

Join us again next week when we learn the advanced technique of giving them directions to Starbucks just for fun :)

A message from Invader Stu"Thanks to the amazing help and support of the IamExpat readers, Invading Holland was awarded the title of Best European Blog in the 2013 Bloggies. Thank you everyone!"

Stuart B


Stuart B

An accident prone Englishman living in Holland since 2001. Still not great with the language but finds stampot lekker.

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