Thriving as an expat spouse - Success
begins before you leave

9 May 2010

In July 2004 my husband’s company asked him
to consider a three year assignment to Hong
Kong. We hesitated only long enough to consult
with our children and our mothers, then plunged
into planning for the adventure, riding the waves
of fantasy and euphoria for the next few months.
Everything was possible - no hint of difficulty
penetrated our excitement.

The bite of reality set in around the fourth month.
After thirty years in a full time career, I had no
way to define myself in this new environment,
nor did I know how to go about being
unoccupied. Time for myself had always been a
luxury. Suddenly I had nothing but time by
myself and excitement was replaced by
loneliness and intense feelings of dislocation.
How would I survive?

Change. We all like change, don’t we? Or do we?
On the scale of major life changes, an expat
assignment rates near the top in terms of
impact. Like an iceberg, you can see parts of
this change: a new climate, different language,
new food, new friends, new home, different
customs. They glint in the sunshine offering
promise, seemingly manageable because of their
tangibility. But like an iceberg, danger lurks
beneath the surface with changed identity,
feelings of loss, altered financial status, lack of
friends, unaccustomed roles, changed spousal
dynamics and so on. As Charles Darwin once
said, it is not the strongest of the species that
survives, nor the most intelligent, but the one
most responsive to change. In this article we
look at how to prepare yourself for success
before you even leave.


Diagram 1 – The Expat Iceberg

Both visible and invisible parts of the iceberg
require exploration and deliberate discussion
prior to accepting the assignment as well as
during each stage in the process of adapting to
new circumstances. Transition from your comfort
zone to a new environment involves many
emotions as fear, doubt, anxiety and resentment
gradually give way to acceptance, anticipation,
confidence and satisfaction. Transition is like
being in between trapezes with nothing to hold
onto.


Diagram 2 – Stages in the Expat Cycle


Euphoria - or not

Stage one occurs when a couple first hears of an
expat opportunity and considers its possibilities.
Generally, it is a time of excitement mixed with a
tinge of uncertainty.

Many couples talk about moving somewhere for
a period of time. It is the stuff of daydreams, the
excitement of change, the lure of an exotic
location, expanded career options, financial
advantages. You tell yourself the move will be
educational, an opportunity to experience a
different culture, to learn a new language, to
meet people from far away.

What is usually ignored at this stage are the
difficulties. Under the glow of excitement, you
gloss over them thinking that everything is
possible. Even though you talk to others who
have been on assignment, like labour pangs they
have forgotten the difficult times.