Although it can clearly be challenging and there are some drawbacks when it comes to meeting friends as an expat, this certainly does not mean that it is impossible to develop a close circle of friends.
Below are five tips to help you take those first steps towards doing just that:
1. Join a group where meeting people is inevitable
Whether it means you become a member of a social club or a gym, joining some type of group means that you will have no choice but to come in contact with new people. There are several social groups in the Netherlands designed for all types of expats from all sorts of nationalities. From "Moms and Tots" groups to rugby clubs, there is bound to be something that fits in with your personality and preference.
2. Make meeting friends a priority
Having a friend means having someone other than family to support you during good times and bad. If you have been putting yourself and your need for friends aside because you are busy taking care of everyone else, stop treating yourself this way. Everyone deserves to have a healthy social life, especially the stay-at-home moms with small children and the corporate giants working sixty plus hours a week.
3. Expect little, allow more
Lower your expectations for what you call ‘friendship.’ This does not mean lower your standards for how a friend should treat you. It means that by changing your view on whom or what an ideal friend should look like or believe in, you can allow more people into your life who could potentially be a friend to you. Friends serve many purposes in our lives and the more potential friends we welcome in, the greater the chances become of meeting someone who may become a friend for life. And who knows, your new best friend may be Dutch after all.
4. Discover what is holding you back
We all make excuses as to why we cannot make connections, meet the right people or develop new friendships. Ask yourself what you are carrying with you from home, whether it is the comparison of your new potential friends with your existing friends or the belief that there is no point trying since you will not fit in anyway. Through discovering what is holding you back you can take active steps to not let it keep you from meeting new people or prevent you from making friends with the people that you are meeting.
5. Be open and willing to share
As an expat you have something instantly in common with all other expats in Holland – you live in a country other than your native one. Most expats, despite where they are from, love to talk about the differences they are experiencing from their homeland and/or the daily irritants that go with adjusting to living abroad. Be open to hearing what people are saying and share what you are going through too. There is nothing that brings people closer together faster than sharing a similar experience; that is what camaraderie is all about.
If you find yourself struggling to meet people or to make friends and feel that this is affecting your daily life, it may be wise to seek professional guidance. Feeling alone amongst a world of potential friends is not where you deserve to be. Believe me, there are plenty of expats who are in your shoes when it comes to meeting new people abroad, and they are waiting to become your friend!
About the author
By Debby Poort, B.A. Psychology. Integrative Therapist – Yellow Wood Integrative Psychotherapy Practice www.yellowwood.nl. Yellow Wood offers native English speaking individual therapy and couples counselling to expat adults in the Amsterdam/Amstelveen area.
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4 July 2010
One of the most common issues that I find expats discussing in therapy is the difficulties they experience with making new friends while living in the Netherlands. The reason is not because these expats are unworthy of friendship – on the contrary, they are some of the most interesting and engaging people around. It also has nothing to do with Holland per se, although the Dutch have been known to be difficult to befriend. It appears that, in general, making friends as an adult is a lot more complicated than it was as a child. Throw in a new culture and a strange environment, and you have a recipe for a lack-of-friendship disaster.
Most expats will probably feel (at some time or another) that they are lacking the close friendships they once had back in their homeland. In fact, a lot of adults who have not moved to a foreign country will also experience this, as people move and friendships change over time, even if you stay in the same place your whole life.
Have you ever wondered what some of the reason’s are for why it is so difficult for expats to connect with other people? Or are you more likely to internalize your struggle thinking that surely you are the only one who is not making friends – and that all other expats are doing just fine? If you believe the reason you are not making friends solely has to do with you, and nothing to do with your expat status, I urge you to take a closer look.
As an expat, you automatically face a challenge when you move here – you are forced to start over again from scratch.
Below are five reasons for why it is difficult for expat adults to develop new friendships.
1. Opportunities are lacking
As an expat you may not know where to begin finding new friends. Your first priorities are probably settling into your new life, discovering your exciting but unfamiliar neighborhood, and developing your daily routines. There may not be very many opportunities during your day for you to meet other people.
2. Time commitments
Meeting new friends takes time, which most people living in the modern world do not seem to have enough of. Time commitments may cause you to put your own social life on the back burner. For example, if you have very young children, you may be overwhelmed by your care-taking tasks, or if you are working you may be too tired at the end of the day to search for social activities outside of work.
3. Differences in culture
Being an expat means you have an obvious disadvantage from the rest of the Dutch population with regards to making new friends, and that is the culture in which you come from. Not only do you possibly experience difficulties making connections with the Dutch, but also with finding things in common with other potential friends (and fellow expats) who may come from a number of different nationalities.
4. Baggage brought from home
If you felt that you never fit in back home, or had difficulty meeting new friends in your past, chances are you will be carrying this baggage around with you here. This negative conviction about yourself can unwittingly sabotage any attempt you have for trying to make new friends while in Holland.
5. Lack of openness
At times you may find that you unintentionally shut yourself off from new possibilities purely for self-preservation. You may have learned during childhood that sometimes being too open or sharing too much left you vulnerable to emotional pain. This is quite common and is one explanation for why adults tend to be less open than young children.
4 July 2010
One of the most common issues that I find expats discussing in therapy is the difficulties they experience with making new friends while living in the Netherlands. The reason is not because these expats are unworthy of friendship – on the contrary, they are some of the most interesting and engaging people around. It also has nothing to do with Holland per se, although the Dutch have been known to be difficult to befriend. It appears that, in general, making friends as an adult is a lot more complicated than it was as a child. Throw in a new culture and a strange environment, and you have a recipe for a lack-of-friendship disaster.
Most expats will probably feel (at some time or another) that they are lacking the close friendships they once had back in their homeland. In fact, a lot of adults who have not moved to a foreign country will also experience this, as people move and friendships change over time, even if you stay in the same place your whole life.
Have you ever wondered what some of the reason’s are for why it is so difficult for expats to connect with other people? Or are you more likely to internalize your struggle thinking that surely you are the only one who is not making friends – and that all other expats are doing just fine? If you believe the reason you are not making friends solely has to do with you, and nothing to do with your expat status, I urge you to take a closer look.
As an expat, you automatically face a challenge when you move here – you are forced to start over again from scratch.
Below are five reasons for why it is difficult for expat adults to develop new friendships.
1. Opportunities are lacking
As an expat you may not know where to begin finding new friends. Your first priorities are probably settling into your new life, discovering your exciting but unfamiliar neighborhood, and developing your daily routines. There may not be very many opportunities during your day for you to meet other people.
2. Time commitments
Meeting new friends takes time, which most people living in the modern world do not seem to have enough of. Time commitments may cause you to put your own social life on the back burner. For example, if you have very young children, you may be overwhelmed by your care-taking tasks, or if you are working you may be too tired at the end of the day to search for social activities outside of work.
3. Differences in culture
Being an expat means you have an obvious disadvantage from the rest of the Dutch population with regards to making new friends, and that is the culture in which you come from. Not only do you possibly experience difficulties making connections with the Dutch, but also with finding things in common with other potential friends (and fellow expats) who may come from a number of different nationalities.
4. Baggage brought from home
If you felt that you never fit in back home, or had difficulty meeting new friends in your past, chances are you will be carrying this baggage around with you here. This negative conviction about yourself can unwittingly sabotage any attempt you have for trying to make new friends while in Holland.
5. Lack of openness
At times you may find that you unintentionally shut yourself off from new possibilities purely for self-preservation. You may have learned during childhood that sometimes being too open or sharing too much left you vulnerable to emotional pain. This is quite common and is one explanation for why adults tend to be less open than young children.
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